I think I lost it a little this morning.
My coworker noticed I was feeling pretty sick and asked if it was gluten. When I nodded, he said, "Why would you do that to yourself?"
I shot him a dirty look, an "Excuse me?" look if you will. And he said, "Well what did you eat?" as if I was a small child who got my finger stuck in the cookie jar.
I snapped. I lost it. "Why do people always seem to think I do this to myself? I would never purposefully eat gluten. I'm not so stupid as to do this to myself." And then I stopped to breathe. I realized that I was in my gluten-grumpy mode and needed to calm down.
So he said, "Well I don't know, maybe you were craving something."
I gritted my teeth and kept from ripping him a new one.
No. No, I would never eat gluten on purpose. No, I would never crave something and eat it. Never. Not once.
Damaging my body is not worth a donut. Being sick for five days will never be worth a slice of pizza. Nothing I could crave or desire would ever be worth knowingly making myself sick.
Yes, sometimes I engage in risky behaviour. Usually when I get sick, I know exactly what it was that made me sick because at one point during the day, I remember being paranoid and worried about something. And if there was only one moment I was paranoid, it was more than likely that moment that got me.
So yes, I guess I do this to myself. But usually the risky behavior goes hand in hand with being normal. If I want to continue functioning just like everybody else, I occasionally have to take risks. But the risks are never out of the ordinary, and often the risks are things I have done multiple times and been fine most of the time. But it only takes once.