Thursday, 19 September 2013

Good Days and Bad Days

I've said before that I have good days and bad days when it comes to not eating gluten. Some days, I'm A-okay with that, and will happily sit at Burger King or Dairy Queen and enjoy my ice cream, while my husband/sister/friend/mom enjoy a burger and fries. Sometimes, I just can't do it.

Well, the last month or two has been almost entirely good days. I've balanaced my hunger levels, so I know how much food I need to get through the day, and I don't even want to eat a greasy, fatty, cheap burger anymore. In fact, I don't even want fries. It's fantastic. It means I have been finding myself eating ice cream, or sipping an iced coffee and watching someone eat something solid more often that I would have thought. And I'm totally okay with it. It means I get to spend time with people I enjoy, while they do/eat what they want, and I have something yummy and indulgent. It may not be the healthiest habit, but it makes life feel a little more normal. (Also, I'm in my early twenties. The announcement "let's go to xxx fast food restaurant" after nine pm is a pretty normal thing with friends.)

I don't have a hard time looking at Pinterest food boards anymore, I'm constantly thinking of ways to adapt amazing recipes. I don't even have a hard time going to my mom's house and seeing dinner on the table (that I grew up eating at), food in the fridge (that I spent years raiding every hour), or watching my mom cook childhood favourites. I just shrug it off, and look for something that I can eat.

I find myself saying "I probably can't eat it, I won't risk it" more often than "I don't want to read the ingredients, I just want to eat it. I'm sure it's fine." I really am dealing well. I mean, sure, I'm not perfect. I whine, I complain, my proximity to food I can't eat increases my whining. But there's a difference between complaining about the hand you were dealt and trying to change it. I'm okay with the fact I can't eat the lasagna in my fridge (that our housemate made), but I'm going to complain that I want to.

Does that make sense?

Anyways, the whole point is that my "bad days" have decreased to the point that days are all just the same.

Except yesterday.

Yesterday morning, at work, somebody bought a dozen doughnuts. And since my desk is front and center, they set them on the ledge of my work space so that everyone could grab one. PS, the ledge is about twenty feet long. This wasn't a proximity I was concerned about for allergy reasons. Yes, I could have moved them, or made a stink, because that could harm me, but they were a good ten feet away. I just knew every time someone discovered there were doughnuts, and I watched everyone pick one out, and they discussed what kinds were left. That's not easy for anyone to deal with.

Our food supply is dwindling low, because we haven't gone grocery shopping, so lunch was a little hard. I found something to eat, but I kept thinking about Subway and Quiznos and Pita Pit.

Then, after work, I had one hour to eat, change and go to the other job. We had some defrosted chicken in the fridge, and I had been planning to fry it up with a little BBQ sauce all day, so as soon as I got home, I started on that.

And then I broke down in tears. All I wanted for dinner was ramen noodles.

I don't even like ramen noodles all that much. I mean, I survived on them for a year or two, but I don't really like them. And yet, suddenly, they were all I wanted to eat, and the fact that I could never eat them ever again really upset me, to the point that I stood in my kitchen, sobbing.

I cried for most of the time I spent at home, and I was super grumpy by the time I got to work.

Honestly, I don't really know what happened. I mean, yes, I had a bad day, food wise, but this isn't the first time those kinds of things have happened, and I've dealt with them a lot better. I just hit my limit and fell apart.

Thankfully, I only cried at home, not at either job, which I guess makes this all a lot better. I can't imagine how embarrassed I would be right now if any of my coworkers caught me crying over ramen noodles.

I just wanted to let you know that I am dealing a lot better with everything, but I guess everyone has a bad day once in awhile.

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